I Thought I'd Find Ghosts, But I Lost My Faith In Humanity Instead
by ikebukurolove
Summary: Reiner can't hold it in any more so he looks for Bertolt for help...in the middle of the night. Meanwhile, Jean and Marco investigate bathroom ghosts on a related note. Reiner/Bertolt, Jean/Marco. See warning inside. One-shot.


**I thought I'd find ghosts, but I lost my faith in humanity instead**

**Rated T (0.1% more to M)**: I'll take some chances. Tell me if I need to change it to M. Implied secks, also bare buttcheeks and dirty talk (inclusive of bad sex jokes). Pairings—Reiner/Bertolt, Jean/Marco. You have been warned.

**Warning**: I felt like I made the boys a little OOC, especially Bert. The only explanation I can come up with is that he's pretty tight with Reiner and they're bros and all so...yeah. I tried to make him sweat a lot though. I'm sorry if it feels like Jean and Marco are behaving like girls, but that kind of thing turns me on hahahaha. Also, pretty much spoiler-free.

**Disclaimer**: Own Shingeki no Kyojin? Yeah I totally own it man. Send your money to me, I'm Isayama's spokesperson. (No, no, no don't take me seriously, I'll cry if I get arrested. I'm delicate. I was kidding, really!) I also love my crappy, inappropriately capitalized title.

**Note**: Italics for behind-the-door dialogue. If there's a dash in front of italicized text then it's inner monologue. Also italics for emphasis, but that should be obvious.

* * *

"H-Hey Bert...w-wake up..."

A low, urgent whisper tingled Bertolt Hoover's ear, effectively waking him from his shallow sleep. Yet he merely remained there, eyes closed. He was waiting to see if the person's (probably Reiner's) request was actually worth moving from his bed for.

"Oi...Bert...c'mon, wake up..."

Reiner Braun placed a hand on his waist and shook—

"Aargh!" Bertolt jolted upwards, his head smashing into the bottom of the bunk above him. He was extremely ticklish there.

"What the hell Reiner!?" Bertolt hissed. He sat there, rubbing the rapidly forming lump on his head.

"Shhh!"

But Connie who was sleeping in the top bunk merely snored louder. No one seemed to have been awakened by that.

Bertolt sighed and looked at his friend who had unceremoniously crawled into his bed. Reiner was very burly and thus left very little room for him. Bertolt had to hug his long legs to his chest and inch to the side so he could sit comfortably.

Reiner looked rather ashamed for some reason, and his entire face was flushed and red. Especially his ears. They looked like they were on fire.

Bertolt suddenly realized what this meant. He'd seen this face before. And not just that, Reiner had a hand pressed over his...

"Ooooh no you don't," Bertolt tried to back away, but there was no much room for him to maneuver what with Reiner's large, hulking form on his bed.

"C'mon Bert...it's really bad this time...it wouldn't go away even after I did it by myself...twice..."

"No Reiner. No."

"Come on buddy...I can't stand it anymore...and it's not like we've never done it before...that time back home..."

"YOU SAID YOU WOULD NEVER BRING THAT UP AGAIN!"

Reiner clasped a large hand over Bertolt's hand. The hand that had been covering his crotch.

"Shhh!"

Bertolt tried to make a muffled protest.

Reiner was panting harder now, and the reason for that was becoming apparent, even under the blankets.

"PLEASE BERT. I BEG YOU. I'LL OWE YOU. AGAIN."

Reiner pressed his hand harder over Bertolt's mouth so he couldn't answer.

"Aww thanks buddy. It's sad enough I have to do it with you since I don't have a girlfriend," Reiner sighed.

Bertolt's eyes flashed.

He yanked Reiner's hand off him with a surprisingly large amount of strength.

"I'm going to kill you after this Reiner. I swear it. I swear it so much."

But Reiner was already at the door, happily fiddling with the door knob. It was safe to say he had heard none of Bertolt's death threat.

Bertolt sighed deeply and brushed the sweat off his forehead.

—_Why did I get so nervous...?_

* * *

"H-Hey J-Jean..."

Now, Jean Kirchstein wasn't actually asleep yet so he heard who was most likely Marco Bodt's trembling whisper nice and clear. He would rather die than admit it, but it tickled his ear rather...pleasantly.

"What is it now Marco?" he grumbled, still lying on his side with the covers pulled over him.

"I need to use the bathroom..."

"So?" he snapped.

Apparently that was how Jean usually acted because Marco didn't seem perturbed by his brusqueness at all.

"Connie said he saw a ghost in the boy's bathroom yesterday...he said it started chasing him and—"

Jean suddenly sat upright and turned to look at Marco. He gave him a weird look.

"Huuh?"

Marco sat there on Jean's bed and swallowed, his freckled cheeks slightly tinged with red.

"Marco...how are we supposed to fight titans if you're afraid of something that little idiot—"

Jean angled his chin at Connie who was on the verge of falling off from his bed on the top bunk, but was still snoring loudly.

"Something t_hat_ little idiot probably made up!"

"I don't know Jean...I believe Connie. He looked really scared when he was telling me. And look, Bertolt and Reiner aren't in their beds. They've been gone for some time and they haven't come back..." Marco wheedled.

Jean sighed.

"Alright fine. We'll go. And we'll probably bump into the two of them on the way out too. Then you'll believe me that there's no such thing as ghosts right?"

"Thanks Jean!" Marco smiled brightly in relief.

It was such a sincere, happy smile that Jean felt his face grow hot from just looking at it.

_—W-What's he so happy about...that idiot..._

Marco climbed off Jean's bed and headed for the door. Jean extricated himself from his blankets and followed suit.

The boy's bathroom was on the other side of the courtyard and they'd have to leave the barracks to get to it. Marco and Jean stepped into their slippers placed on the veranda and made their way towards the the bathroom.

Marco kept exceptionally close to Jean's side, even hugging himself a little.

"It's cold out huh," Jean observed.

"Yeah...and it's still pretty dark too. Let's be careful Jean."

For a while they walked side by side until the caught sight of the low, concrete building that was the boy's bathroom. The girl's bathroom was just beside it. That was when—

"Did you hear that?" whimpered Marco, suddenly clinging onto Jean's arm.

"E-Eh what're you doing!?" Jean cried flustered, and his first instinct to shake Marco off. But he stopped when he saw how scared the boy was.

"H-Hear what?" Jean said, flushing.

"I heard something...I think it's coming from that shed..." Marco pointed in the direction of a small, wooden shack a small distance away from the bathroom. For some reason, the windows were lit.

"The lights are on..." Jean mumbled to himself.

"S-See Jean...Connie wasn't lying! It must be ghosts! D'you think they got Bertolt and Reiner...oh no..." Marco sounded positively terrified.

Normally, Jean would want to avoid a full-on confrontation, but right now, he really wanted to prove to Marco that there weren't any ghosts around.

"Let's go check it out."

"Ehhhhhhhhhhh!?" Marco exclaimed.

Jean was feeling a little apprehensive himself, but he still grabbed Marco by the arm and marched on.

"J-Jean...it's dangerous..." Marco looked like he was going to cry.

"Don't be an idiot!" Jean scolded, "I'll show you that they're no such things as ghosts!"

As they neared the wooden shed, it became very apparent that something _was_going on inside. The rattling sounds grew louder, with what sounded like..._moans_?

The windows were much too small to look into.

Marco's knees were shaking.

"Stand up straight man! Let's listen at the door!" Jean whispered harshly.

"O-OK..."

Tentatively, the both of them pressed their heads against the door, careful not to make it creak.

"_Ohh...uhhh...uhhh..."_

"_I'm doing it h-harder...uhh...uhh..."_

"_S-Stop...not so fast...it hurts..."_

"_Uhh...aww man...it's really g-good..."_

"_Uhh...ohhh...ahhhh"_

"_Ahhh...ahhh...I'm...I'm..."_

Marco and Jean both flushed at once. The grunts and moans were very low and rather...erotic in nature.

"H-Hey Jean..." Marco whispered in a voice that was barely audible, "d'you think it's a succubus...?"

"Huuh?" Jean's jaw dropped at Marco's suggestion.

"_O-Oi can you...lick it for me...?"_

"_W-What the fuck...no, man!"_

"Wait," Jean strained his ears, "don't they sound kinda familiar?"

"_Aww come on...it's already like this...j-just this time..."_

"_F-Fine..."_

Slurping sounds ensued.

Marco listened harder.

"Now that you mention it..."

"_N-Now that's hit the s-spot...aughh...I'm...cu-cu..."_

"_D-Don't you d-dare...!"_

"_C-C'mon, turn your h-head a little...yeah like t-that..."_

"_L-Like this...?"_

"_Yeah...now say, 'you have a colossal titan between your legs'"_

"_WHAT THE CRAP NO WAY MAN."_

"_JUST DO IT."_

"_Y-you have a c-colossal t-t-titan between your l-legs..."_

"_F-Fuck!"_

"_What the fuck man! Why'd you do that for! You got your nasty stuff all over my face! H-Hey what the hell d'you think you're doing—"_

The sound of something being slammed onto a surface.

"_O-One m-more time..."_

"_O-Oi...not so rough!"_

"_Hehe...you're s-sweating so much Bert."_

—_Bert!?_

Crude, yet rhythmic moans and grunts were continuously emitted from the shed, in tandem with the rattling and shaking.

Jean narrowed his eyes. He had lost all faith in humanity.

"I'm going in," he said almost emotionlessly, "out of the way Marco."

"Jean!?"

Marco jumped back just in time for Jean to throw open the door.

He stood in the doorway, not moving, even when he saw what was inside.

Marco too, could only stand there, unmoving.

The pajama pants of both boys were down. Bertolt's sweater had been tossed in some dark corner of the shed. Bertolt was bent over a small counter and Reiner was straddling him strongly from behind, pressing the taller boy's arms down heavily. Reiner's exposed buttocks shone brightly under the light of the many kerosene lamps placed around the shed.

Both of their faces were darkened with...disgust.

The occupants of the shed, on hearing the disturbance stopped moving.

Bertolt turned his head, so he could see past Reiner's waist.

"Don't look back Reiner. I beg you," Bertolt began sweating profusely. His voice was however monotonous. His expression was not unlike Jean and Marco's. The only difference was that because while their expressions had stemmed from a loss of faith in humanity, his own face was twisted like that because he had just lost all dignity and self-respect in the last ten minutes.

Reiner decided to try to salvage the situation. He turned his head back a little, paying no heed to Bertolt's desperate plea and smiled sheepishly.

"Uh...care to join us?"

* * *

**A/N: We've all come to the consensus that I should have been shot a long time ago. Thank you for reading my latest work (I feel like a hentai mangaka) and I hope you enjoyed it. Oh yes, guess who's who in the steamy dialogue (yay for forced dirty jokes)~ And I couldn't resist putting 'Huuh?' in. I couldn't. I just couldn't. That was my favourite line in the entire thing. I hope it was for you too. I'm thinking of making an omake if there's enough demand, but if not I guess this'll stay a one-shot. (We'll never get to know if Marco and Jean took up Reiner's offer huh...huehuehue.) Thanks once again for reading and review if you like it~**


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